The fog was so thick we couldn’t even see it. Not even a little bit. In my mind I could envision what it would be like if the weather was cooperating, but it was not. The misty cold morning air stinging my nose was an annoying reminder of it all. I quickly felt my heart turn cold once again. It did that so easily those days. My heart was covered in just as much thickness as the fog that loomed in front of us. I wanted it to clear. But it just wouldn’t budge.
My mind raced with thoughts that I wished it wouldn’t:
“I don’t get it. Why would you make it seem like you were bringing everything together only to have it be a disappointment?”
“Why are you just gonna let me down AGAIN, Lord?”
“Why am I here? Why have I gone out of my way for no reason?”
“Add that to the long list of things that don’t work out for me lately.”
The loud foghorn in the air jolted me out of these thoughts. And my heart felt frustrated that I was even thinking them. Bitterness. Anger. I was sounding like God owed me something. And I knew it. It made me ashamed inside. I was even more ashamed of my lack of trust in His plan when things got hazy. But it was there like the doubtful questions I had.
You see, the past few years of our lives had seemed like one big disappointment. Things that once seemed SO incredibly clear (just like the most perfect blue sky with no clouds in sight) seemed pointless now. What I once would’ve said back to the question, “What do you feel called by God to do?” had disappeared. I no longer knew how to answer that question. And it left me feeling all but forgotten by God. And so confused. I knew God had spoken clearly to my heart only to get further down the road and feel like those screams I once heard from Him had now become just the tiniest of whispers— my ears straining now to even hear from my Father.
The plan was supposed to be missions. Nothing had ever seemed more clear to me in all my life. I saw confirmation after confirmation. If I was sure of anything it was that.
So then what happened when all that came crumbling down for what seemed like no apparent reason wasn’t pretty. Because my heart had even begun to make an idol from it. To act like my life could mean nothing without it. That I HAD to do it in order to have meaning or purpose.
I didn’t even recognize the idol until it got stripped away from me. But what followed was just the painful process of working through my sin. And I felt abandoned there by God to figure it all out myself. I didn’t want to take a closer look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to weed through the ugliness. It was painful.
Just about the time I started realizing the ugliness and the work that needed to be done, God took us on a journey. A scary one where we had to do things like take RISKS… something my Type A (always have a plan) personality could not handle. And as we risked it all in almost every way for my husband to do a course so we could have a different career path, God did something… He met me there.
He was faithful to show up daily. Even when I wanted to push Him away. He showed up in people He sent to rebuke me. In those He sent to remind me. Even in people He sent along to thwart plans we had put in place once again.
He started whispering, and I started hearing it once I quieted everything in my life down. And I decided to pick myself up, dust myself off, and ask God to show up.
I started by asking God to provide us with a job that would meet our needs. And once a week I walked the 2.2 miles around the lake nearby while my kids ate suckers so I could pray about my life. I prayed for God to provide the job we needed. I prayed for my heart. And I prayed for my husband and kids. And I found that each time I walked it felt like a little bit of the fog was clearing from inside the walls of my heart. Just a little bit. Because there would be times when something would come along and remind me that there was still more work to be done.
Once we got that job (God came through and answered all my prayers with a YES), I began praying other things. Sometimes, they were prayers that would seem silly if you heard them (like making it to the Golden Gate bridge on our trip out west). But they were important to me at the time because of what they represented in my life… that God cared even for the tiny details when for years I felt like He didn’t even see the big ones.
I felt a little bit like Gideon when he was testing God with the fleece he set out (which hear me say— I don’t think Gideon’s faith was strong for doing so. Just like mine was so very weak. God was just gracious and patient in answering him).
What happened in response was God kept answering with a “YES”. I realized He didn’t have to. God owes me nothing. I say that all the time. He has already given me everything I could possibly need in Christ. Even if He never answered another prayer I prayed with a “YES”, the truth is He already did more than imaginable for me on the cross. And He loves me deeply. He is a GOOD father. The Word of God reminds me of that even if I feel differently.
But, I am SO THANKFUL that God spent the next year answering even some silly little prayers of mine with a resounding “YES”. Because it was a gift of grace from him that reminded my heart that He heard, he cares, He SEES me. Every moment of every day He sees me.
I have so many stories from last year of God’s faithfulness to show up. To say YES. To love me and remind me that He does.
So what happened to that girl standing in the fog on that cold morning? Even as her heart grumbled she was reminded that God got her there. And He would show up. She just needed to be still and have faith. Show up He did. The fog was cleared from the sky and a beautiful site was seen. And God used that morning as a reminder to SEE that He is present in all the details.
The truth is sometimes it can take a while for the fog in our hearts to clear. But once it finally does, everything can become clearer; more in focus for our souls. Those details, twists, and turns suddenly don’t feel as random as we once thought they were. He is writing a great story. He is making us more like Him. And He will meet us every day right where we are. Even if the view from our side doesn’t *seem* as breathtaking as a red bridge with the California mountains surrounding it. Sometimes, the view can look a lot more ordinary. But it’s just as breathtaking because God is turning it into something great for His glory.
